‘What will you be remembered for?’ It is a very difficult question to answer, but it’s well worth thinking about as we wend our way through this journey called life, and make daily decisions about how we spend our time.
We might hope we are remembered for our glittering career, or the mansion we managed to acquire while working 15 hours a day, seven days a week for over 40 years. Or we might think our glossy social media presence is worthy of note. We may also hope our numerous musical, sporting or intellectual talents get a bit more than a passing mention.
Well, the more I do this job, the more I realise that what many of us spend most of our lives chasing or working impossibly hard to achieve is not, in the end, our most important legacy.
So, here are my top ten things (in no particular order) that people remember about their loved ones, compiled only from my experience of working with families to create funeral ceremonies.
Acts of kindness
Kindness is a constant theme. For both young and old, acts of kindness are imprinted on people’s memories. It might be as small as an uncle buying their niece another packet of crisps after she dropped hers. Or it might be treating the grandkids to anything they wanted on holiday. Helping out with decorating a newly bought flat, digging over a weedy garden, or making celebration cakes are all actions that are imprinted on the minds of loved ones, and they usually raise a smile when they are mentioned.
Quirks
In a world where glossy perfection is the name of the game for Linked In and Facebook profiles, it’s actually people’s quirky imperfections that are remembered and treasured. Someone’s love of a colourful shirt, going to the beach whatever the weather, always wearing odd socks, collecting charity shop ornaments or wearing a flat cap all the time are traits that bring the person to mind and make them unique in the eyes of their loved ones.
Passions
Motorbikes, walking, the sea, golf, crafting, birdwatching, travelling, woodwork, and especially gardening are passions that bring joy to the people who follow them and create pride and admiration in the people who are left behind. Families marvel at the skills of their loved ones and treasure objects they have made. Families also enjoy looking back at photographs of their loved ones doing the hobbies and pastimes that meant so much to them.
Everyday life
Families may have travelled on the Orient Express together, attended hundreds of arena gigs, or eaten at the poshest restaurants in London, but when it comes to favourite family times, these ‘big’ experiences barely get a look in.
Favourite memories from the families I have worked with include learning to iron handkerchiefs with mum, digging in the garden, playing with pots and pans in Nannan’s kitchen, eating chops, chips and peas for tea, sunbathing in the garden and taking the dog for a walk. These activities cost nothing, but the feelings generated are long-lasting, profound and treasured.
Wise words
Great advice and universal truths are reminders of a loved one’s core values and are highly prized by families. They are ingrained in different generations after years of repetition and they are shortcuts that unlock many memories. Life-affirming words, or words of encouragement stay with people for a lifetime.
Grumpiness
Unfortunately, other words stay with the people left behind too. Grumpiness and unkindness can create scars that last a long time. Luckily, the people who are left behind are very forgiving, and can usually balance these personality traits with other, more positive ones. However, if a person has been difficult for a long time, memories of what they have done or said are never too far from the surface.
Time
Sharing time together is always remembered and relatives are often grateful for the time their loved one spent keeping them company, helping them out, or driving them to and from activities when they were children. It’s also noted when people have given their time to church activities, community groups or have completed fundraising events. Time is finite, and the fact that someone has used some of this precious commodity to help others is always remembered.
Disasters
At the time, it’s nice when our activities go to plan and nothing disastrous happens. But when it comes to fond memories, the worse the incident, the better. A seagull nabbing your huge hotdog as you take a bite; nearly succumbing to hypothermia on a camping holiday in February; or being surrounded by jellyfish in the sea are the types of events that are permanently imprinted on people’s minds. Scary events become funny family tales and are brought out over the years at family gatherings, and they always raise a smile during a ceremony.
Holidays
No matter where you went or what you did, holidays are always memorable. Maybe it was your loved one’s reaction to seeing the Colosseum in Rome for the first time. Or playing crazy golf until it got too dark to see the ball. Maybe it was a massive water fight with huge super soakers or a choppy boat trip to see the dolphins. Holiday times are precious, especially if families have busy schedules for the rest of the year, and the amalgamation of abundant time, unusual surroundings, one-off activities and the warmth of the sun can make holiday memories vibrant and long-lasting.
Love
The love we have received lives inside us, and the more love a person gave to us, the more we have to keep. Daily hugs in the kitchen, a mouthed ‘well done’ after graduation, tears during wedding dress shopping, and loving words and kisses at bedtime all live on in us, and strengthen and protect us when we lose someone we love.
And finally…
So, there you have it, my top 10 list of the things most people remember about their loved one’s life. So, what’s missing from the list? Have you noticed?
I’ve yet to hear more than a sentence or two about a loved one’s job. No one has ever mentioned how many likes their relatives received on social media. The amount of money in their bank accounts or the size of their house has never come up either. Friends and relatives rarely mention how expensive their loved one's wardrobe was and the only cars that mentioned are beloved old bangers.
Everything that seems important and worth striving for; money, cars, fancy holidays, designer clothes, a social media presence etc, don’t seem to be important at the end of someone’s life. Which is a fact that might be worth considering before we get there.