Many people have preconceived ideas about what must be in a funeral ceremony.
Some people think there must be a religious element, like prayers and readings, even if their loved one didn’t go to church. Others may feel that there needs to be a eulogy listing every family member or friend, every job and hobby, each holiday destination they visited and all their favourite TV programmes.
However, the beauty of a celebrant-lead ceremony is that all the elements included can be chosen and tailored to reflect the life and wishes of the person being celebrated and the wishes of their family members too.
Religious ceremonies contain set wording, known as liturgy, and this sometimes leaves little time for the life of the person themselves to be celebrated. Yet, a celebrant-led ceremony is a blank canvas that can be filled with words, music and other elements that are personal, meaningful and reflective.
In this blog, I’ll describe some of the elements that can make up a celebrant-led ceremony and ideas for personalisation.
Music
Music is very personal and the right choice of music at a ceremony can create an atmosphere and help friends and family members to remember and reflect. You usually need at least three pieces, one to come into, one to sit and listen to during a time of reflection, and one to go out to. Many people chose a quieter, calmer piece for the reflection but this doesn’t need to be the case.
Aim to choose meaningful music, such as your loved one’s favourite song, something by a favourite artist, or something where the lyrics are very meaningful. Live music might also be an option, or you could play something recorded by a friend or family member.
Readings and poems
Adding one or two readings or poems can add an extra dimension to a ceremony. A poem might pick out certain qualities in your loved one that you want to highlight, or a well-chosen reading can reflect your loved one's desire for people to carry on with their lives and not dwell on their grief.
Readings or poems might also reflect the hobbies of your loved one or be something they personally liked. There are a host of resources online to help you find a suitable reading or poem, but family and friends can also write their own. They could read their own words during the ceremony, or ask the celebrant to read it for them.
The eulogy
The definition of the word eulogy is a ‘speech or piece of writing that praises someone highly’. High praise might suit your loved one down to the ground, but many people prefer a more rounded, realistic, and often humorous account of a person’s life.
That’s why I like to think of the eulogy as a life story instead. A life story reflects all the different facets of a person, including their likes and dislikes, personality, relationships and favourite things, as well as the usual information about their family, jobs and achievements.
A eulogy doesn’t have a fixed length and can be brief and to the point, or lengthy and descriptive. It can be delivered all at once or split into sections punctuated by readings or a time of reflection.
The wording needs to be carefully crafted to capture the essence of the person, allowing everyone to recognise the person they knew and bring to mind their own memories of them. Family and friends also usually learn something new or surprising as they listen to their loved one’s story, and a few funny anecdotes can really lift the mood.
Other ceremony elements
Sometimes, families want to keep things simple and straightforward and a ceremony containing well-chosen readings, music and a person-centred eulogy is just right. However, some people like to add other elements that reflect the life of their loved one. The list of possibilities is endless, but here are a few ideas as a starting point.
Toast your loved one during the ceremony if they had a favourite tipple or a love of special occasions.
Walk up one by one and place items on the coffin at the beginning of the ceremony to reflect different aspects of your loved one’s life.
Give packets of wildflower seeds for family and friends to sprinkle at home if your loved one enjoyed gardening or had a passion for wildlife.
Place flowers on the coffin during the ceremony and stand for a moment in silence to pay your respects, reflect and remember.
Sing a favourite song together.
Recite words together or join in with a call-and-response reading. This could be especially powerful during the committal, or near the end of a ceremony.
Provide paper and pencils and ask everyone to write down their favourite memory of your loved one. The memories can be collected to read later, or they can be added to a memory book.
I hope the ideas in this blog have shown that a celebrant-led ceremony can be personalised in many ways and all ideas can be explored. Everyone is an individual and every celebrant-led ceremony should reflect the life, loves and personality of the person it has been designed to commemorate and celebrate.