I’ve just completed my 50th funeral ceremony. Reaching any milestone can trigger a time of reflection and the number 50 feels significant to me.
I’m not a new celebrant anymore. I'm starting to settle and find my preferred ways of doing things. I’m tuning into what works well, I know the timing and pace I want to maintain, and I’ve seen how small personal elements and touches mean so much to the families I work with. Yet, I’m also still at the learning stage and new situations, family dynamics and experiences happen every day.
So, as I embark on my 51st ceremony this week, I thought I’d share with you just a few of the lessons I’ve learnt so far.
Every person’s story is a fascinating one
I have conducted ceremonies for a wide range of people and every single person has led a fascinating life. No one has been famous…or infamous….. but each one has had a story to tell.
Learning about their characters, their ability to overcome adversity, the love they gave, the happiness they shared, the places they visited and the choices they made is humbling, and it makes you realise what amazing creatures we humans really are.
Being able to hear these stories, and to create a ceremony around them to share with others, is the greatest privilege of this job.
The openness of people never ceases to amaze me.
Most people are willing and able to share their experiences to make sure they honour and celebrate their loved one’s life. Families have often been through so much, but there is little pity for themselves and plenty of love around for the person who has passed away.
Before we meet, family’s can worry they will cry or that they won’t have a lot to say. Yet, for those two to three hours, I hear more laughter than I see tears, and by the end of the meeting, people are surprised at how much they have remembered.
If people want to participate in the ceremony they will.
Many people want to take part in their loved one’s ceremony, but many are scared that they won’t get through their reading or chosen activity. However, I’ve never had someone say that they want to read and not be able to do it.
Children never cease to amaze me with the words they write and the strength of their presentation, and close relatives often feel that doing something themselves is a final act of love. However, if a person isn’t sure, or is being persuaded by someone else to take part, I always caution against taking part. It has to be a strong desire and a personal decision.
Relatives wish they knew what their loved ones wanted
Many families find it quite stressful if they don’t know anything about their loved one’s final wishes. They want to do the right thing and it can make decision-making hard. Families often feel they are second-guessing and that they might have missed the one thing their loved one really wanted.
If you can, it’s worth talking to the people closest to you about their final wishes, even if it’s during a casual conversation. Writing down any song choices, readings or preferences is a good idea. Even if the answer you receive is, ‘I don’t mind what you do’, you’ll be reassured that the decisions you make have received your loved one’s approval.
Families are so happy when you’ve understood who their loved one really was
Families want the picture painted of their loved one to be a true reflection of their life and personality. They want to hear if he was a bit of a rogue or if she was a fan of Love Island, and these small details trigger off memories and recognition.
Ceremonies that don’t reflect reality can be upsetting. I’ve had quite a few families who have been to ceremonies in the past where they didn’t recognise their loved one. Families always appreciate it when their loved one’s life story is accurate, well-structured and fully personalised.
Families usually want to make changes to the ceremony script
After 50 ceremonies, I would still never deliver one without the family’s approval of the script. There is always something to change, and it is vital that the wording is accurate and meets the family’s requirements.
Sometimes edits are simple. The family might just want a nickname added in, or they might have been a bit too honest and want a story smoothing off a bit. Or there might be big changes where extra information needs to be included. All edits are welcome, and there is a sense of satisfaction when they are applied and the ceremony is finalised.
Talking clearly is very important to everyone
I’ve been surprised by how many people comment on the clarity of my delivery. I never really thought about it, and, with a microphone, I thought everyone would be heard no matter what. But I often get people saying, ‘I could hear every word!’, and they seem pleasantly surprised.
I’ve come to realise that clarity isn’t just volume, it’s pace, intonation, emphasis and space.
For anyone reading at any ceremony, it’s worth thinking about clarity and practising how to read aloud.
Top tips include:
Speak more slowly than you think is necessary.
Highlight any words you want to emphasise. I use italics in my script.
Write out any tricky words phonetically and practise them.
Write in short sentences and pause after every paragraph.
Decide where people might laugh, or where you want people to focus on the last few words you said. Take a deep breath before you move on which gives time for the congregation to settle again.
I’ve learnt so much from the ceremonies I’ve led so far, but as I now work towards my century of ceremonies, I’m sure there are plenty more lessons to be learnt, and amazing experiences to be had, along the way.